I read this at a Madonna themed storytelling show last night hosted by and chock full o’ some of the coolest storytellin’ babes I’ve ever met. Thanks so much for having me Jenna and Aileen!
Pics from last night courtesy of Aileen Danielle Clark
If you can’t tell by looking at me, I am a very anxious lady. If I look chill at all right now it is because I either took a Benadryl or I’ve blacked out from fear. Anyhoo here are some short stories about how I am barely a human woman and more like a ball of anxiety trying to appear cool to teens. I call these Anxiety Journals.
Sidenote: The first two Anxiety Journals will be followed by a short epilogue and an explanation of how the story or list of things about myself connects to Madonna. The third is a free for all!
I fell into a hole: It wasn’t deep, but it was wide
I woke up on a Monday morning feeling great. I couldn’t pinpoint what was putting me in this uncharacteristically good mood. I usually wake up a sad baby and go to bed a furious grandma. I opened my eyes a bit wider and I saw exactly what was giving me a charge this morning. I had planned my outfit the night before and it was top to bottom:
A velvet halter top
Black, white and silver Zubaz pants
and black Soda Platform flip flops
Oooooh doggie, it was gonna be a day! I got dressed and made my way to work.
For some context I had recently sweat through 5 outfits on one 70 degree day and have had to purchase emergency pants 4 times within the last month for a variety of reasons so sitting on the train feeling easy and breezy in my newly purchased Zubaz pants and black Soda Platform flip flops, I thought I had finally arrived.
I was almost to work when it happened…it was like a blur. I remember seeing construction workers repaving a road, I remember seeing a dog wearing a bat wing sweater and then I remember lying face down in a hole. I turned myself over just in time to see an old man glaring at me disapprovingly, shaking his head as if he were disappointed in me. He wanted me to do better.
I eventually picked myself up realizing my right shoe had somehow broken in half and launched me into a hole…my platform flip flops had betrayed me. I hobbled to work, noticeably defeated one crumbling shoe in my left hand, a dirty right foot and a head full of nightmares. My coworker, the most beautiful goddess I’ve ever seen suggested I just finish out the day barefoot. I told her that would most likely get me , now a sweaty Zubaz wearing garbage troll, arrested.
Connection to Madonna
Madonna wore orange Zubaz pants once and she looked really good and I guarantee she did not fall into a hole and then get shamed by an old man.
I do still have the Zubaz Pants, but I’m always in the the market for more. I urgently need a new pair of Soda Platform flip flops. If anyone would like to help me locate more Zubaz pants and a new pair of Soda Platform flip flops please find me after the show.
A List of Places I can never go back to again because I was weird
The Duane Reade on Bedford and Metropolitan. Several people called me dear the last time I was there so I either looked very confused or very sad but also why not both?
Kohls Department Store- various locations. People don’t like it when you’re crying and shopping for maternity pants when you’re not pregnant.
The Forever 21 in Union Square. Is frantically looking for bike shorts in a Forever 21 because your thighs are so chafed you can barely walk hitting rock bottom? Asking for a friend.
The Whole Foods toilet at Bedford and North 5th. The same day of the Forever 21 fiasco I got baby powder all over a Whole Foods bathroom while trying to soothe my aching thighs. I tried to clean it up but there were people waiting in line. I ran out in a panic, a cloud of baby powder following behind.
Wasabi on Manhattan Avenue in Greenpoint. The last time I was here I was a little toasty and very weird and I got take out because it was office hours and then someone went in after me and I couldn’t come up with something clever or charming to say and my skirt got caught on the sink and she was so beautiful/ wearing overalls and then i had to sit and wait for my food while thinking if any one looks at me rn I will kill myself.
For clarification office hours are when I have to poop, the toilet is my office. What I do in there are office hours.
Connection to Madonna
Much like beautiful Black Jesus, I have struggled.
I have since been back to the Whole Foods toilet.
Some things that I’ve done that I like to think Madonna has also done
Try to fight the first dude she sees on the LIRR after a Fiona Apple concert.
Take one towel to the laundromat as a cry for help.
Almost get run over by 10 cyclists in 2 days. Get mad then realize it was her fault and do some soul searching.
Get off an overnight bus to NY and sing to herself, “three bucks, two bags, one me”.
Almost slip in a pool of her own sweat. She works so hard.
Invite women that she’s just me to stay at her house whenever they want.
Wake up every morning disappointed that she is still a person and not two dogs stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat.
Put her tampons in a wine glass that says Queen on it.
Find her first grey pubic hair, look in the mirror and whisper ” girl, you’ll be a woman soon.”