Amber’s Fashion Corner: An Outfit For Every Day of Black History Month

Being a black woman is complicated, getting dressed shouldn’t be! Here are 28 full proof outfits for every situation that might arise during your very own month … so you can stop worrying about what you’re putting on that bod and get knee deep into being your blackest possible self.

Now, dear reader, I’m sure you’re wondering “ummmm…what events could I wear this hodge podge of sacks that Amber has just thrown over a variety of sweaters to? Surely not just in a poorly lit Woodside, Queens apartment with hair that is clearly in disarray and only a winning personality to accessorize with?” Well you’re in luck! You can mix and match these fits for any number of the following occasions:

1. spending less time with capital W white people, more time on the toilet. it’s something I personally know I can live up to because I already spend an insane amount of time on the toilet

2. sinking into a deep depression and weeping while listening to Band on the Run but feeling very conflicted about this show of emotion

3. shouting wake up you’re dying at your reflection, bonus points if your reflection abandons you while saying “I’m out of here I can’t deal with this anymore”

4. telling your white partner that it’s time they start paying you reparations

5. telling your white partner’s family that they owe you reparations

6. embracing #blackmediocrity. true freedom will be when i can admit that i’m ok at best

7. thinking about trends you wanna be buried in so your ghost and/or reanimated corpse will look good dancing on top of your unmarked grave for all of eternity

8. quitting your job and following your canyon dreams….all i do now is eat, sleep and sing

9. increasing the amount of weird sacks you throw at your body/wearing all of your skirts as shapeless dresses like you’re a toasty 70 year old high school art teacher on a beach vacation but you refuse to take off your socks

10. maximizing the amount of times you reference how stella got her groove back

11. talking about witches

12. like real witches

13. sweating profusely when it’s 30 degrees outside

14. really appreciating Anita Baker

15. thinking people can tell how much Anita Baker you’ve been listening to just by looking at you

16. wanting to be a cool hip teen but no longer being able to fit into any pants within a mile radius of you. knowing you need to exercise but instead watching  blurry video clips of Bring In Da Noize Bring In Da Funk then deciding what you really need to do is be more like savion glover. signing up for tap dance classes immediately

17. screaming “please stop calling me ma’am cant you tell i’m a baby, society told me i would age slower than i am currently aging!”

18. getting real into inspirational quotes

19. having a bus driver without prompting lower a ramp for you. realizing it’s because you’re wearing a faux fur coat in 50 degree weather…grown and dying!

20. walking down the street with a ball of wet bras in your hand. because what is life but this

21. writing on a post it: question – why aren’t men funny. answer – they’re dead. carrying that post it around for 3 years

22. being called sir and ma’am in the same breath. being very into it, texting every black woman in your phone “i no longer know why the caged bird sings because i’m so freeeeeeee”

23. requesting very specific erotica and giving the world a sneak peak into your psyche: “could you write one that has a famous 40+ year old british man and a beautiful brown witch that eventually murders him for the crimes of his ancestors? that would be very cool” i’m knee deep in it and i’m never coming out

24. carving a long list of those who have wronged you into your coffee table

25. biting your hand trying to get a wonton into the gaping hole in your face because your hand isn’t moving fast enough and a white woman you thought was chill looked at you and the nearest brown person and asked if you were related

26. getting an email from your therapist that says she can’t see you anymore because you don’t respond to texts fast enough. feeling too guilty to write her back, then climbing into the garbage and eating your way out

27. trying so hard to seem cool that you are enveloped by your pants

28. spilling cocoa butter all over yourself on a crowded 7 train

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