So you just quit another job, your Instagram keeps sending you ads about walking for weight loss and you recently submitted a piece called City Living For Our Times to the New Yorker’s Daily Shouts. You’ve had a busy week! So how about you take a break from listening to Anita Baker until your ears bleed and get into some advanced beauty:
SkinCeuticals LHA Cleanser, $40.00
I use this every morning and it makes me think about how I’m aging in a way neither I nor the world are prepared for…I wonder why!?
Cane + Austin Miracle Pad, $78.00
I use this every other morning while chanting in the mirror Peel Your Face Off. Get A New One. The One You Have Is Bad. It’s melting. Give me $200. I got this chant from a very expensive and very beautiful dermatologist who convinced me to spend $78.00 on this.
Murad Oil Contol Mattifier, $40.00
I got this from a bud who has the dewiest baby skin I’ve ever seen. I use it every morning right after I’ve scraped my face off.
Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser, ~$9.50
I use this gentle cleanser every night to wash off my daily oppression, but it doesn’t quite do the trick…you know what I mean?
Dickinson’s Witch Hazel, ~$5.00
I use this every night. I don’t know what it does but I bought it after I waited for my gynecologist for 5 hours. It was chill though because she came in wearing a wacky hat and told me I was beautiful. Sidenote: within the same week I bought an essential oil called Eden’s Garden Adoration Synergy Blend and a giant beeswax candle but then I also burned off a chunk of my face with tea tree oil for balance.
Alba Botanica Un-Petroleum Jelly, ~ $3.50
I put this on right before I fall asleep on the couch to the same Bob’s Burger episode I’ve seen 100 times because I’m too anxious to try out a new tv show. It helps me prepare my mind and body for the coming day and the narrative I’m trying to put into the world which is…She’s very shiny. How old is she? Maybe dead? At least she’s well preserved.
So there you go. A skin care routine for the ages! I know it produces results because a teen stared at me on the train yesterday and I’m pretty sure he was taken aback by my youthful glow. Or maybe he thought I could support him financially? If so he’s out of luck. Yes I am very old, but also incredibly unstable.